Defects
by Amzilla
Summary: "Take your time, I'm not that scary, am I?" The person said. Once the books are restrained by the fabric of his bag once again and he picked up his phone from the ground, he scooted away as far as possible and studied the face of today's first reason to agonise himself to sleep for a few days. - AU Oikawa as psychology intern and Kageyama as angsty 18 year-old
1. Chapter 1

"Excuse me, can I sit here?" Kageyama took his earphone out and looked up at the person asking the question, letting it process in his mind for a second before he formed an 'O' with his mouth, slightly embarrassed over his slowness and incapability in human interaction. He hastily grabbed his bag from the other seat, forgetting that it was left open and a book or three fell out. Now growing slightly red, he tried to grab the books that had fallen while keeping his bag closed.

"I'm sorry, I-I..." He shut his mouth, both arms occupied with his phone, the bag and the books, so when he tried to put the hardcover escapes from reality back, his phone fell, pulling the other earphone out as well. He muttered a curse under his breath, embarrassed from his toes to his hair.

He usually wasn't so clumsy but he always got quite thrown off track when he had to interact with strangers unprepared, what was he supposed to do or say without embarrassing himself, if he was suddenly put on the spot like this he never seemed to be capable of acting like a normal person.  
If he had time to prepare himself for this, everything would have gone way more smoothly, he'd have known what to do instead of stuttering and staggering like a _moron_.

"Take your time, I'm not that scary, am I?" The person said. Once the books are restrained by the fabric of his bag once again and he picked up his phone from the ground, he scooted away as far as possible and studied the face of today's first reason to agonise himself to sleep for a few days.

Chocolate brown hair and a fair skin, the other was absolutely not unattractive but that made Kageyama want to talk to the other even less. Matching chocolate eyes studied him back. "You're quite the interesting one, aren't you?" Kageyama cringed slightly, wishing the other would just stop looking at him so he could return to his earphones and get out of the subway as soon as possible. Maybe he could get off at the next stop and wait for the next subway. What time was it? He regretted not taking the subway before this one because if he'd get off here, he'd be late for his appointment and he didn't want to be late, people get _angry_ when he's late and he didn't want anyone to get angry.

He returned one of the earphones to it's original position, leaving the other out because he didn't want to come off as rude, even though the possibility of talking to the stranger caused a slightly uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Is this yours?" He sees a hand reached over to him with a phone strap in the shape of a tiny volleyball. Kageyama nods and hesitantly and reaches over to grab the strap. "Th-thanks, it's important to me." He mumbles. The chocolate boy next to him smiles a charming smile, but Kageyama presumes that it's not genuine.

They remain seated next to each other for a while, but after a few minutes of no-talking Kageyama puts the second earphone in aswell, assured that the other isn't planning on spiking another conversation. They coincidentally get off at the same stop but Kageyama purposefully walks the other way as the other, even though he should actually go that way to reach his destination.

He arrives five minutes late, no one got angry but Kageyama is sure that they will be next time.

* * *

"No no no no noooo, you can't die on me, I need you for avoiding human interaction and silent silences with my mind..." Kageyama muttered in an empty subway cart, frantically bending his earphone cord in difficult positions for it to produce sound again. His right earphone had died after he had stuffed it in his pocket. With a desperate frown he held the phone strap in his clenched fist. Now he only has sound in his left ear, but he rested the other around the shell of his ear to fool people into thinking he still isn't approachable.

He sighted, he's too broke for new earphones, but the idea of a part-time job left him uncomfortable. The subway stopped and a few people got in the cart, so much for Kageyama's casual attitude. He sat up straight, staring outside of the window even though there's nothing but darkness to see, he's in a subway after all. He turned away from the window and subtly checked out the people who got in.

Two middle-aged ladies, an old fellow behind a newspaper and- he turned to the window again immediately after meeting eyes with the chocolate guy from a week before. If there was anything he hates more than talking to strangers unprepared it's recognising those strangers after displaying his embarrassing self. He must think badly of him now, he might make fun of him in his mind or _worse:_ He might _hate_ him.

He couldn't help looking back at the chocolate guy out of curiosity, but as he looked over he noticed the other was still staring at him. He stiffened up, _does he have no shame?  
_ Even worse, now the other knew he was looking at him, oh the things he must be thinking right now, it's _so_ embarrassing.

They got off at the same stop again. Kageyama briefly considered taking a different route so that he didn't have to walk with the stranger, but if he's late this time they will _surely_ hate him. He ruffled his hair and took out his phone to skip to the next song. He increased his pace so that the stranger would only see his back. Everything would be okay, he assured himself. The thoughts of someone he didn't know can't hurt him.

* * *

He took one subway earlier the next time, to avoid meeting that guy. He found a position in which both of his earphones work and used tape to keep it in that very same position. He's in the waiting room with a cup of shitty coffee, other than that there's only water and it's cold outside, therefore coffee is a logical choice, right? He was fifteen minutes early for his appointment, but he brought a book so that's not a problem. His leg anxiously bounced up and down as he read.

The door opens, a girl a few years younger than him stepped inside and took a seat exactly three feet away from him, which is the perfect amount of distance not to get in someone's comfort zone but it's not too far away to have the other person feel like they're smelly or scary. Kageyama felt content with her decision.

About a minute after that the door slid open again, Kageyama looked up and noticed a mother with a young boy. She sat on the other side of the room and took her son on his lap. The boy bounced up and down on her lap, he wanted to play with the toys in the waiting room. His mother looked exhausted, Kageyama noticed, the boy must've been quite energetic or rebellious. He turned back to his book and took a sip from the disgusting coffee.

Two more people had entered the room before Kageyama checks the clock impatiently. Two more minutes left before he was supposed to have his appointment, it was getting a bit too crowded in the room, maybe he could wait in the hallway? No but that would be rude, wouldn't it? His playlist shifted to a western punk song. The raw guitars gnawed at his patience, the fast tempo would've been enjoyable if he wasn't already jumpy and uncomfortable. He shouldn't have had the coffee, he takes a mental note never ever to have coffee again, it wouldn't only worsen the anxiety he's been experiencing in social situations.

The sliding door opened again, Kageyama's head shot up, slightly too hopeful because he really just wanted to get out of this hellish waiting room because everyone was staring at him and they must have noticed that he's kind of an outcast. Actually, Kageyama didn't really know if they were staring at him but he just felt their eyes burn on him. It's not the one he had an appointment with, in fact it's someone he tried to avoid meeting so badly he took a subway earlier today. The chocolate boy stepped in the room and greeted the secretary behind a computer screen, who was a slightly older lady with a boring taste in fashion. It seemed like he hadn't noticed Kageyama yet.

He took off his coat and hung it over his arm. Kageyama turned off his music, he wasn't trying to listen in on their conversation or anything but he wanted to know what he was doing _here._ "Can you tell me where I'm supposed to be today again? I keep forgetting my password so I couldn't check, haha." He's so casual with the lady, even though she appeared as his senpai. "Oh Oikawa-kun, are you sure it's not just an excuse to loiter around here and make casual talk with me." She joked. Kageyama's eyes darted to the door, desperately wishing that he could get out now.

"Kageyama Tobio-kun?" He heard his name being called and got up immediately, taking his bag and coat with him in one sweep. He took his earphones out and looked at the older woman. "Hi, how are you?" She asked, smiling gently. He paced out of the waiting room, knowing she'll follow him. "I'm doing good, how about you?" He looks back at her, his eyes darting through the glass wall to the waiting room, only to see the chocolate guy, apparently named Oikawa, starting at his back.

"Fuck..." He muttered, turning back to his therapist as they turn a corner towards the room they'd be using today.

* * *

"Ehhh? I'm sorry I didn't quite catch what you just said." Oikawa turned back to the secretary, Fukutani Chie. "I said that you have a meeting with the head psychiatrist on your tasks, it's on the second floor in room 206. Also, don't adress me so casually, playboy, I've got you all figured out." She smiles cheerfully, tucking a strand of hair away behind her ear and adjusting her glasses. Oikawa winked at her and turned away. "I'll chat up with you again during my break, Fukutani-chan!" "Fukutani-san for you, I'm your senpai." He laughed and walked out of the room.

Kageyama Tobio, he wonders how you write his name. Kage, for shadow and yama for mountain. He wonders how his first name is written, Tobio is probably derived from Tobu, to fly. Not a very unusual name, but it's pretty.  
Oikawa thinks the name suits him... kind of. Although the name does come off a bit stronger as the boy appeared... but he's tall as a mountain and his hair is dark as a shadow... Oikawa shakes his head as if to shake the thoughts away.

"Alright, there's no need to ponder over a name in an obsessive manner like that, it's kind of creepy Tooru." He speaks to himself as he walks up the stairs. He's seen Kageyama in the subway before, he was always wearing two earphones, always reading or staring at the dark walls outside of the subway, always clenching that volleyball phone strap, always awkward when someone asked him if he could make room for them to sit next to him...

He sounds like a stalker, he admittedly frowns. Alright so he's only seen the boy three times before he first sat next to him, it's not like he follows him around or checks his social media because that would be creepy, right? Well he's never had the chance to check him on social media before because he never knew his name... but he's not gonna do that now either because he's not that intrusive, really!

"Oikawa-kun, please have a seat." The head psychiatrist smiled politely and handed him a keycard. "I'd like you to take the files of the following patients out of the storing room, you'll have a meeting with me and their respective therapists today on the best next step in their recovering process. I'm taking you in on the meetings at first, but after a while I'd like you to take the role as their assistant therapist, if they agree to it." Oikawa thanked the man, took the key card and a note on which names he should take out after which he excused himself from the office.  
He was in his second year of a psychology major, this year he worked as an intern at a youth therapy service, which was what he wanted to specialise in. He's always been good with children, he's always been a very sociable charismatic person anyway.

Kenma Kozume: Eating Disorder Otherwise Not Specified, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder

Kageyama Tobio: Social Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Bipolar II Disorder, Mild Substance Abuse

Hinata Natsu: Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

Yukie Shirofuku: Major Depressive Disorder, Severe Bulimia Nervosa

It seemed they had assigned Oikawa to four patients with a range of different disorders and intensities, Oikawa was quite nervous, he's never worked with clients before, the year before this was practically only theory and roleplays with the other students. Would he be able to pass clear judgement on them, not be biased and not take the problems of his clients home with him?

One name on the list bothered Oikawa, he frowned to himself as he took the files with him to an empty office. He had already taken an interest in Kageyama-kun, he wasn't sure he could keep his personal intentions out of his judgement and he if he wasn't professional with the client he would make everything so much worse, not only for himself but the boy aswell. He could reach out to the head psychiatrist for this, but he'd rather wait and see how this turns out, he wanted to help the boy, he wanted to train and test himself. He'd notice and put an end to it before anything got out of hand.

* * *

 **Allright! I'm gonna keep this story to a short story, I'm terrible at finishing things so I thought that I might be able to keep control over like a three-shot or so? I dunno, please leave a review, maybe a few suggestions on the storyline to keep me inspired and motivated :3**

 **I got to this idea by combining some of the plots I always make up from my daily life with each other, in this case the subway and the therapy prompts. I just wanna say that I have no knowledge of how psychology studies or internships at these kind of clinics work, cause I don't have that kind of experience, I just kinda asked my therapist about how it works and went with my fantasy from there on so if you find anything wrong, please notify me and I'll do my best to change the story!**

 **I hope you enjoyed, to be continued**


	2. Chapter 2

Kageyama made his way out of the subway station, on his way home. The sky started to turn dark already, the clouds had a lovely shade of salmon pink and Kageyama took a few seconds trying to determine all the colours in the sky before shaking his head and walking on. He walked a steady pace, head towards the ground, shoulders tense and snapping his fingers anxiously. Snapping his fingers was a habit he had picked up whenever he felt uncomfortable or he had too many thoughts racing through his head.

In front of his door, he stopped flicking his fingers. He cleared his throat and took one of his earphones out before opening the door. "Ah, Tobio-kun! Welcome home, boy. Would you like some tea?" His father walked out of the living room in his slippers, cheerful as always.

"Yeah, I'd like that, thanks." He smiled half-heartedly, putting his bag and coat in the hallway. His father had always been able to read him like a book, so he quickly got his act together and walked into the living room.

Not too long after that, his father served tea and they talked about their day. Everything was going well and Kageyama almost forgot about his internal turmoil, until his father began on the more sensitive subject of Kageyama getting a job. The guilt of responsibilities dawned in on him and his smile became a little more strained. Not long after that he excused himself to his room.

He didn't bother turning on the light, instead kicking off his shoes and collapsing right onto bed. Life was easier to handle pretending not to be a part of reality. His days spent reading and listening to music were all about avoiding the actuality of the situation, that he was a wreck and a failure of society, that he hadn't tried getting into college and he was never getting anywhere in life, that he was a bother and a shell of the flawed human being he used to be.

He buried his teeth in his lower lip, biting it anxiously until he drew blood and even after that. He was spiraling downwards with no way to stop. Today would be another bad day, another bad night of hatred and fighting and trembling with quiet sobs wishing he would fall asleep already. His knee ached worse than usual so he gripped it tightly in his fetal position, the sharp pain of putting pressure on his joint was a better pain than the dull ache of memories and blame.

He wanted to be alright already, why wasn't he? There was nothing wrong with him, his life was absolutely perfect, he couldn't wish for more. Why wasn't he okay? He wanted to be okay, he wanted to be functional, he wanted to play volleyball, he wanted a college degree, he wanted to work and start being self-sufficien, he wanted it to end, he wanted to be okay, he wanted to die, _die_ , **_die_**.

* * *

Oikawa turned on the reading light on his bed stand. He had tried sleeping but his mind couldn't settle down. He'd be meeting Kageyama Tobio next week for the first time, since the boy had agreed to a secondary therapist. Yukie Shirofuku had refused and he met Kenma Kozume and Hinata Natsu in the past week already.

Hinata was a cheerful little girl who had just started middle school, she had made huge progress already but she still had some problems with controlling her bouts of energy and mood changes. She had told him about the situation of her brother already aswell, which was something she worried about a lot. Oikawa had spent their last appointment gaining her trust and getting to know eachother, but he'd like to continue on that last subject next meeting too.

Kenma was more difficult, he was very reserved and Oikawa was the one who spent most of their appointment talking. Near the end of their hour-long meeting he was assured that it would take at least 3 more appointments before he'd get Kenma to open up to him. For their next meeting Oikawa wanted to discuss ways of dealing with Kenma's triggers, if the boy was ready to talk about that with him.

Oikawa took his phone from the bed stand and put his earphones in before taking a galaxy themed notebook labelled 'diary'.

* * *

"Nice to meet you, my name is Oikawa Tooru." Oikawa smiled his practised you-can-trust-me smile and shook Kageyama's hand, who was in distress. He had accepted on an intern being his secondary therapist, but he hadn't expected it to be the choco- Oikawa.

"Kageyama Tobio, nice to meet you too..." He said, looking away. This wasn't okay, this was _NOT_ okay. Kageyama started flicking his fingers under the table, his vision started to blur a bit as he retreated into his brain. He was in a black room, two screens in front of him displaying what his eyes saw, two speakers playing what his ears heard. He raised his knees to his face, the darkness of the room slowly engulfing him away from the two screens and speakers. He shut down.

"...yama-kun? Tobio?" He blinked and shot out of it, suddenly pulled back to reality. "Kageyama-kun?" Oikawa asked, who was leaned towards him with a slightly worried expression. "Ah, I eh... I was distracted, sorry."

"Alright, first of all I'd like you to tell me your impression of me at this very moment. Please be as honest as possible." Oikawa said, startling Kageyama. How was he supposed to do that? If you tell someone they're scary, they'll hate you. If you tell someone you think they hate you, they'll think you're odd and they'll hate you. If you tell someone they've been one of the bigger reasons to regret ever leaving his bed, they'll hate you so much they want you to die.

"Well... Your hair is brown, sir, and so are your eyes." Kageyama starts off, looking at Oikawa intently for the first time since he _blundered_ so badly in the metro two months back.

"Hold up, I don't mean that kind of impression. That was my mistake, I'll elaborate. How do you feel about me, we've met before and I understand that might be difficult for you, excuse me if I'm wrong, therefore I'd like to know so that I can understand you better." Oikawa smiles, Kageyama once again feels like it's a fake one because _he hates him. There's no way Oikawa doesn't hate him._

This is difficult, Kageyama notices, he mutters some inhoherent sentences before clearing his throat and taking a few seconds to form proper sentences, but not too long because if he takes too long the other will hate him even more.

"I feel embarrassed, like I want to run away." He finally says. "Why?" "Well... that's because I made a fool of myself at our first meeting." "I don't think you did that, but even if you did, what would it matter?" "You 'd obviously hate me and I-" Oh no he talked too much, way too much.

Kageyama shifted, crossing his legs as he started chewing his bottom lip. His fingers were all tingly and his knee started aching.

"Kageyama-kun, I don't hate you. No one would hate you over such a display, it was rather adorable. It might not make a difference but I'd like you to know that the average person doesn't judge you the way you yourself do."

"Really..?"

"Really."

That was the best thing Oikawa could have said to Kageyama.

* * *

He would meet Oikawa again for the fourth time tomorrow. There was something cool about the man, he was so young yet he had such a stable job. Kageyama respected that, especially because he couldn't see himself do that in three more years. These days he preferred chocolate milk because it reminded him of the secondary therapist and that made him strangely happy.

For some reason, he looked forward towards their appointments more every time. It made Kageyama feel good about himself when Oikawa understood a cynical joke he had made, especially when he laughed about it. Kageyama wanted to scream, today was a good day. He felt _so good_ today.

He met his old high school friends today, they graduated last spring and they only saw each other a few times a month, which was just enough, he thought.

But today was a good day, this week was a good week. Kageyama's heart was aching, this time not due to negativity overcoming but there's just _so much happiness_. He wanted to scream, he wanted to run and he wanted to hit something. He pulled into an alleyway and lit a cigarette, he wasn't addicted to them, he wasn't even allowed to buy them yet with his age of 18, almost 19. The smoke burned in his lungs and stung his throat in a pleasurable way.

He slid down onto a trashcan and sighted, leaning his head against the wall behind him. He didn't always manage to get a hold of tobacco but when he did, he enjoyed his cigarettes greatly. He felt a sense of calmness return to his mind.

"Kageyama-kun?" He froze and looked up to the voice. This was exactly the reason why he had been in that alleyway. There was Tsukishima Kei, a tall blonde pillar looming over him. Kageyama's mood dropped to minus ten degrees Celcius, followed up by feelings with anxiety.

He hid the cigarette but it was too late, Tsukishima had already smelled it.

"Aaaahh, it is the great fallen king! I never thought I would see you here, in Tokyo." "I should be the one saying that, I thought you still lived in Miyagi, Torono or at least that area." Kageyama sighted, looking away. He brought the cigarette back up to his lips and took a drag.

"Did you turn into a delinquent after leaving the team or something? Not that I care or something but you're looking quite pathetic." That stung, Kageyama fidgeted with his black hair, he had grown the fringe out to hide more of his face.

"That's none of your business, I'd appreciate it if you could leave me alone." He blew the smoke in Tsukishima's direction as if to scare him away with the scent. Obviously, he wasn't fazed by the display.

Tsukishima had turned 19 a month back and he had matured quite well, his new haircut accentuated the cold look he gave Kageyama. It was shaved short at the sides and bottom into a fade where he had grown the top of his hair out, more like Kuroo but blonde, shorter and tamed.

"Now now, no need to be so rude to your _ex_ -teammate. Let's have a cup of whatever somewhere and catch up." Kageyama was about to refuse but Tsukishima wouldn't hear any of it and pulled the younger one up. They were both taller, but Tsukishima had grown to 195 centimeters where Kageyama only went to 187.

He felt self-consious about his attire, he must really look like a delinquent to Tsukishima with his black garments, pierced ears and ripped jeans. He didn't look very different from back then, just darker. While they talked (only Tsukishima talked, probably to spite Kageyama but he wasn't listening, only trying to finish the cigarette as fast as he could.) Kageyama noticed they were nearing Starfucks. He let out a voice of complaint as Tsukishima made it clear he was planning on going there.

"What, too mainstream for you? I forgot that you're edgy now, where do you suggest going?" Kageyama huffed, ticked off. "Nevermind, this is probably the only place they serve coffee without being pretentious about it so whatever." Tsukishima snorted but proceeded to walk to the counter.

"Hey Tsukki!" The girl greeted. "What can I get you today?" These two knew eachother? Great, now Kageyama could never show his face in the area again. "I'll just have a chocolate chip frappuccino." "With sprinkles as usual?" Kageyama couldn't hold back his laugh, he apologized right away yet he couldn't help but chuckle behind closed lips for a bit longer.

"What about you, sir?" The cheerful girl asked, looking him straight in the eyes. He suddenly forgot how to speak. Shit. Shitterdy shit _shit_ , he forgot to prepare himself to talk. "I'll eh… I'll just have a…" He glanced at the board behind the girl for inspiration. "Mocha cappuccino! Err… with whipped cream please…" He couldn't bear the look in her eyes, he wished he hadn't come with Tsukishima.

The wait for their order took too long, Kageyama felt like everyone was looking at him. Their stares itched in his back as he put sugar in his coffee, causing him to put in more than he usually would.

Once they were seated (Tsukishima wanted a place near the counter but Kageyama made him take a spot in the back.) the conversation took a more serious turn.  
"But without shits and giggles, how is your knee doing? I spoke Yachi and Yamaguchi a few weeks back and they were still worried about it." Tsukishima's face was earnest, a look from him like this was rare.

"It's fine, it hurts on rainy days or after vigorous exercise but it doesn't bother me much in daily life anymore." Kageyama couldn't help but mumble, flicking his fingers under the table nervously. The topic was a sore spot in his heart, it was the reason why he could never play professional volleyball anymore, it was the reason they moved to Tokyo, it was the starting point of his mental issues three years ago.

"On a happier note, I saw Tanaka and Kiyoko are actually moving in with eachother on Fakelook." Kageyama continued, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, though I'm not sure what she sees in him, honestly. They say opposites attract but this is ridiculous." Kageyama chuckled but he noticed there was another subject Tsukishima had to bring up, but didn't want to.

"What is it?" Tsukishima looked away, fidgeting. It seemed like a revelation to Kageyama, that there were subjects even Tsukishima had difficulty with.

"Hinata, he… had an accident." Kageyama went white. He wanted to press for more information but Tsukishima already continued.  
"He fell from a cliff on his way to school last year, he survived but he was paralyzed from the waist down."  
"Oh my god, that's… that's terrible." Kageyama stuttered, he remembered the cheerful orange ball of sunshine, the way he jumped and spiked without hesitation, the way he ran faster than anyone, the way he always beat the rest of the team to coach Ukai's minimarket for a snack after training.

"How is he holding up, did he still continue going to Karasuno high?" Kageyama asked, maybe too eager, too worried.

"He held up well for a while, still his cheerful old self but only without volleyball, he still went to school aswell." Tsukishima says. "But then he suddenly dropped out of school because his parents split up. His mother and little sister went to live in Tokyo while he stayed behind with his father, who homeschooled him. The team kept visiting him but we couldn't bear seeing him change, he became very introverted and sad. We used to take him outside and see movies with us, we went to an arcade and I even willingly gave him a dinosaur plushy I won there, as a token of our friendship you know? We were all desperate to show him the world hadn't ended, that there were still nice things in life for him... but there was nothing we could really do." Tsukishima's voice drifts off.

Kageyama's hand reached his mouth, forcing back a choking sound. He wished he hadn't gone outside today, he wished he didn't meet Tsukishima, he wished he just made small talk and went home. Kageyama's eyes, wide and in shock, met Tsukishima's eyes, sad and a bit wet. He didn't need to say anything else for Kageyama to know what happened.

Today was a terrible day, this week was a _terrible_ week. Kageyama's fingers started aching from the violent flicking.

"I'm sure he would have appreciated it greatly if you could come to the ceremony, even if we didn't manage to send you an official invitation."

* * *

 **Hi hiiiii, I'm sorry for the late update, I really wanted to upload this sooner but my internet's been down for a couple of days.  
Living without internet for a few days did help me write forwards 2 chapters already! I've decided that this story isn't gonna be as short as I originally planned. I'm thinking like 5 chapters instead of 3, how about you?**

 **Anywaysies, please leave a comment if you like it because it really motivated me to write and if you've got any questions or suggestions you can either dm me or just write a review or whatever you find most comfortable, I'm not so good at talking to people, did you notice?**

 **Aaaaahhh so embarrassing, I'm gonna... stop talking now.**

 **Ciaooo**


	3. Chapter 3

Kageyama dreaded going to the funeral, he dreaded taking the train back to Miyagi and meeting his old team- and classmates, he dreaded the flashbacks that were sure to come along with the pain in his knee but most of all he dreaded facing reality and realizing his old partner was no longer there and he hadn't even shown his face once while he was suffering.

How dare Kageyama feel like he had the right to be depressed while his life was perfect. How dare Kageyama have problems while his body was still functional and he had the ability to go out and meet new people every day. How _dare_ he, how dare he want to die while there was someone else out there who had it _so much worse_.

Kageyama was disgusted by himself, he was so disgusted by himself he couldn't eat properly for two days, he hated himself so much he refused to go outside until he had to catch the train.

His breath lingered of cigarettes, his fingers hurt so much he could barely bend them and his knee was bruised from the pressure he put on it when he suffered from flashbacks and the times he hit the weak spot when he was about to cry. He wasn't allowed to cry, Hinata went through so much more.

He had forced himself in his best clothes, a black button-up with a dark blue tie matched with black skinny jeans (he had no other pants without rips in them) and dress shoes. The only belt he had was studded, but it had to do so he matched it with studs in his ears. He had his hair combed back as neatly as he could but he had nothing to hide the dark circles under his eyes, the result of memories and nightmares haunting him away from a peaceful sleep.

It took several hours to travel from Tokyo to the town Hinata had lived in. In those few hours Kageyama experienced anxiety to hopelessness but once he finally arrived to the address the ceremony would take place all he felt was a distant sense of sadness and surrealism. He was early so he sat down outside with a cup of bitter, strong coffee and a cigarette despite the cold.

More people arrived, most of them he didn't know but he bid them all sorry for their loss. He barely felt the stinging sensation of the scorching hot coffee and he would have kept drinking it if not for a familiar face placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Kageyama-kun, you're burning yourself." The sad voice said. Pale hair and a soft face reminding him of a mother, not his own because she barely cared for anything outside her work, instead it reminded him of Sugawara. On a closer look, it was Sugawara. "Ah, senpai." He said. His voice sounded distorted to him, as if it wasn't coming from his own mouth but someone else's.

Behind Sugawara were Daichi and Asahi. They looked at him with a slight surprise, as if they didn't expect him to come, but also sadness and comfort. He offered them a hand and a sorry for your loss, as if they weren't anyone else than the faces he had never seen before.

"Don't be silly, Kageyama-kun." Sugawara said, pulling him up in a hug. Kageyama stood there, frozen, a cigarette in one hand and the coffee in his other hand. He didn't feel like himself, he hasn't felt like himself in a long time. Meeting his old teammates like that, he suddenly realized how different he became.

Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Sugawara aswell as he closed his eyes, his heart suddenly too sore for his eyes to stay dry. He did the same to the other two. Asahi embraced him as if he was two heads less tall and not bear-like; a strong hug filled with emotions like desperation and pain. Daichi embraced him like a father that didn't come home much; awkwardly but willing to show that he indeed loved and missed his child.

They sat down in silence, enough had been said and Kageyama tried his best not to exhale the smoke in the air they breathed. The next to arrive were Tanaka, Kiyoko and Nishinoya. Tanaka and Nishinoya's energy seemed to be missing as they greeted the group of old friends. Kiyoko asked what none of them wanted or felt like they needed to.

"Kageyama-kun, I hadn't expected you to be here, I heard no one managed to contact you. How did you find out?" She asked with her delicate voice. She meant no harm, he knew, but the ugly voices in the back of his mind tried to convince him she meant that he wasn't wanted here.

Ennoshita, Narita and Kinoshita sat with them just before Kageyama answered her question.

"I met Tsukishima in Tokyo just under a week ago, we went for coffee before he told me what had happened." She nodded and almost smiled, her eyes were kind and the air around them softened. "I'm glad you're here, I think we all are." She said.

He finished his cigarette and killed it in the ashtray next to the entrée. The nicotine had done nothing for him, he had hoped it would relieve some of the soreness but to no avail.

Just before the ceremony started, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi and Yachi joined to complete the clique they once were.

Almost completed, it would _never_ be complete again.

* * *

The ceremony was a haze, he hadn't cried until it was his turn to bid farewell to his old partner. The tears had welled up in his eyes making it hard for him to see. He carefully placed a bouquet with orange tiger lilies and dark red roses next to the coffin and it became hard for him to breathe.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there when I should have been. I'll never forget you, you've been my small giant ever since I played against you in junior high. Meeting you changed me and you inspired me to become a better person. Thank you, Shouyou." He choked the last three words out of his throat and before he could have been caught crying, he swiftly made his way to the hallway.

He wanted to go home, he wanted to cry, he wanted to drink until he forgot his own name, he wanted to bleed, he wanted to… to…

He wanted to get high again, no he _needed_ to get high again.

His hands trembled as he flicked his fingers in one hand, ignoring the pain for the relief of some nerves it provided. He took his phone out of his pocket and texted Takeshi, one of his old high school friends, before he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Kageyama-kun, I was wondering if I could have your new phone number." Said Yachi, she had grown up to be quite a beauty, she was more confident than when he last met her as well.  
"If you'd like that, that is." She adds. "Because I'd like to make a group chat for the team to keep in touch and I still feel like you're a part of our team."

He didn't refuse, how could he when he felt so ripped open and vulnerable?

* * *

It wasn't as if he hung out with the wrong people once he got to Tokyo, he just hung out with the people who wanted to see the world a little differently.

Kageyama didn't make friends once he got to Tokyo, he didn't even try. Honestly, his awkward and socially _inept_ nature would only make it difficult and in the end his efforts would just result in his own hurt.

His earphones became his best friends, the only ones he needed and his taste in music took a turn for the darker, louder, angrier. His unconsciousness took a liking to lyrics that made him feel that he was not alone and sounds that overscreamed the increasingly growing negativity in his mind.

On a bad night, one where he was just so bored and it was physically hurting him and he couldn't control his impulses, he took a sewing needle and pierced his own ear. He pierced just one because it had hurt so much he had scared off from the other one.  
The next day he showed up at school with a swollen earlobe and a black stud inserted in the freshly pierced hole. Needless to say, he hadn't disinfected the wound and his needle properly and ended up with an infection.

A boy with overgrown black hair and way too much gel had stepped up to him, spiking a conversation on it. He offered to do the other ear properly and give him some supplies to take care of the ear he pierced himself. When Kageyama asked him why he'd do such a thing for a stranger he told him he couldn't bear to see piercings in such a poor condition.

Yamada pierced his ears for him and they started talking. He told Kageyama that he had pierced all ten of his piercings himself, six of which were in his ears, one was his septum, one was his tongue and the last two were his nipples. The enthusiasm Yamada excluded made him think of Hinata, he couldn't push him away like he did with some others that had tried to befriend him.

Yamada told him of his friends. Yukiko had her hair bleached white, she was a gentle girl and she had a passion for arts, hoping to make a living off of writing and painting. Takeshi was her boyfriend with an undercut and a tongue piercing. He wanted to become a producer and had already taken a footing in music as a DJ. Itou was a girl who had an incredible voice and played the electrical guitar, hoping to go pro one day. She had a sidecut, her love for safety pins was out of this world, Sadly her parents hadn't approved of her passion and style, they were still hoping she would inherit the family inn once she came of age.

Compared to them, Kageyama was a softie but they took him in like a brother anyway. Soon the five of them became close, close enough to share everything they enjoyed with eachother. At first it didn't seem like Kageyama at all, but he started going out in the weekends. They often went to the nightclubs Takashi played in, an underground rock bar or just one of many chillspots.

It was exciting, it was easy to forget his old life when his new life was filled with loud music and not entirely legal substances. It's not like they abused anything, in fact they just tried to keep the drug use as low as possible while keeping it enjoyable, a drug addiction sounded not so enjoyable in all five of their ears.

One night they were hanging out in an abandoned indoors parking lot, Takeshi brought up the topic of something new, they were familiar with soft drugs and party drugs. Itou, Takeshi and Yukiko had all tried psychedelics before but none of them had ever tried opiates.

Codeine. Kageyama became warm and fuzzy when he took them. He was numb to his feelings, it was a euphoric feeling. Opiates became Kageyama's favourite but they were highly addictive, even more so than the party drugs Yamada preferred. Codeine still held a place in Kageyama's heart no matter what.

Regular use was still out of the question, it would be dumb to give in to temptation and throw a life away. They only wanted to have a good time, after all.

They always had a good time.

* * *

Oikawa was worried, oh _so_ worried. He hadn't met with Kageyama in two weeks and something in his gut told him that he wasn't doing alright.

His appointment with Hinata Natsu today was canceled due to the recent death of her brother, which had made Oikawa sad, he wished he could ease some of the sadness in her voice. He wished he could make it better, but situations like this called upon the person's own ability to cope.

The night before, he called to the Kageyama household and heard from his father that he was in Miyagi for a funeral of an old volleyball teammate. Oikawa almost thought the case of Kageyama and Hinata were related, the death of a loved one in such a short period of time with two of his patients. He made an appointment by the time Kageyama would return but it wasn't quite enough to ease his worries.

Over the weeks Oikawa noticed that he had a weakness for the late teen and it was getting worse. He caught himself smiling to the thought of a happy Kageyama and he could fall asleep soundly when he knew Kageyama had a good week.

Lately he would look for dark blue eyes whenever he stepped into the subway. When he saw ripped jeans, he looked up in hope they were worn by that certain boy. Oikawa was getting infatuated and there was something scary and irresponsible about that.

Not only was Oikawa a 21 year old man, he was also Kageyama's therapist and that job demanded the trust of his client. Trust he could betray ever so easily just for his selfish desires.

How much longer could he keep up his façade of professionality?

Father Kageyama said he got a text from his son that said he would come home two days after the funeral and that he would stay at an old friend's place in the town. Kageyama would come home tomorrow and he had the appointment the day after tomorrow. Oikawa could only hope he wasn't doing as bad as he felt like the other was.

* * *

Kageyama went back to Tokyo the same night as the funeral, he couldn't bear staying in that town where Hinata died. It suffocated him, he saw him with a rope around his neck, he saw him with his wrists slit, he saw him drooling after an overdose.

Takeshi had prepared Kageyama's favourite. The first night they were with the group, each of them were there to cheer Kageyama up, he appreciated that.

It felt good to chill with them, feeling warm and fuzzy. Everyone became cuddly that night, they didn't even mind sleeping in the same bed. Sleep was great on codeine, there were no worries or nightmares, just rest.

Takeshi's dealer was two years older than Kageyama and they exchanged phone numbers behind Takeshi's back. Kageyama knew it was a shitty idea but he ignored his common sense and bought four more pills of codeine for the next day and maybe the day after that.

Though everyone made sure he was always enjoying himself throughout the two days they were together, Kageyama couldn't help but feel sore in his heart. They smoked a joint or three on day two and spent the night kicking back with some beers listening to everything from indie rock to heavy metal.

A bit buzzed from the beer, they always got more outgoing and free. It was as if the brakes that usually existed between them dissolved into blurry lines while the combination with more liquid courage usually ended up with them doing something outrageous. Last time they made a campfire in the outskirts of the city while they dared each other to do something they usually wouldn't do. This time it was something similar.

It was too chilly to stay outside that night, even with a small fire, therefore they stayed at Itou's place, whose parents were nowhere to be seen. Truth or dare was a nice way of saying someone was about to get a bit more cozy with someone else than usual.

"Yamada, Truth or dare?" Yukiko asked. Ofcourse Yamada, not wanting to come off as a pussy, said dare. Yukiko's eyes had an evil glint in the semi-darkness.

"I want you to… pierce Kageyama in any place he prefers…" That wasn't so bad, a lot less bad than they anticipated. Kageyama wanted a new piercing anyway, he just didn't know where yet.

"but the place he'll get pierced will first have to be kissed and touched sensually until Kageyama blushes from the tips of his ears." She finished the dare.

That was just as bad as they anticipated. Yukiko was a demon, Kageyama was assured of that. Takeshi and Itou roared in laughter as Yamada was already blushing. He tried to hide his face as much as he could with his spiked up hair, which was a pathetic attempt.

"Well." Kageyama clears his throat. The beers made him feel giggly, as if it didn't matter that much to him anymore. Yamada looked at him, on the verge of screaming. He only hoped Kageyama wished for a helix or eyebrow, which wouldn't cause too much embarrassment.

"I've been thinking of getting a labret piercing, it looks pretty cool, right?" Kageyama turns to the other three, holding a loose stud in between his lip and chin. They nod enthusiastically.

"I want a ring." He says to Yamada, daringly pointing to his lips. Yamada actually screams in shame this time.

Impatiently, Yukiko pushes Yamada to Kageyama, who then clung to the other's loose shirt for a few seconds, lingering in front of his lips.

"Well then?" Yamada's voice came out soft, a whisper that stroked Kageyama's lips. On que, they reached out to eachother. The kiss was sloppy and chaste. Kageyama tasted like beer and Yamada tasted like smoke. Kageyama felt his face heat up more than the usual alcohol flush. He had kissed girls before, Itou for example, but that never made his stomach flutter like this one.

It kept going for a few more minutes, soft bites on his lower lip and their slightly rough lips touching in a relaxed but erotic manner, before the entrée of Yamada's tongue pushed Kageyama's blood vessels far enough to expand like crazy.

"Piercing time!"

Yamada couldn't look him in the eyes as he carefully cleaned the surface of the skin and as he handed Kageyama a mouthwash that he had to hold in for 30 seconds. After the mouthwash, both Yamada and Kageyama had regained their cool enough to focus.

It didn't take long, the sterile needle piercing through his flesh was a rush like no other and Yamada swiftly changed the needle for a lip ring.

"It's best if you don't smoke the first three days, flush your mouth with a non-alcoholic mouthwash after every meal and cigarette for the next two weeks and refrain from using dairy products while it's swollen, okay? I don't want you to get infected and end up with a nasty scar in the middle of your face." Yamada smiled freely, patting the other on his back roughly.

That night Kageyama found out he was gay.

* * *

When Kageyama came home, the first thing his father did was scream.

"Really, Tobio?! In the middle of your face?!" He was angry, not because he had a brand new piercing but because it wasn't done by a 'professional', which annoyed Kageyama only slightly, since Yamada might as well be a professional. He always used sterile, brand new gear and he knew about everything that was to know about blood vessels and aftercare.

The guy longed to be a professional body modification artist. It was difficult to become one in japan, especially a legal one. People still thought of the yakuza when they saw tattoos and that was a difficult idea to fight, therefore he even considered moving to western countries. The only thing holding him back was money and language, really.

"Dad, please. I'll take good care of it and I wasn't planning on getting an office job later anyway." He whined although the topic of jobs worried him. A feeling of dread washed over him as he thought of all the things he had to do, just to survive in the adult world. He'd much rather throw his responsibilities out of the window and die at a young age after a short life.

"You're so irresponsible with your body, son… If your mother would see you like this."

He had always wanted to be a professional volleyball player, when that dream died, so did the need to be careful with the body that was given to him. He just didn't really care anymore.

His father sighted, giving up on the discussion. "I'm making curry tonight, spicy curry so that maybe you regret getting that piercing. Your therapist, Oikawa-san, he called yesterday and scheduled an appointment in for tomorrow at three. I hope you don't have any other plans, boy." He smiled and pulled red hot peppers from the fridge.

" _Mercy_ , dad, show mercy." Kageyama exclaimed as he stepped into his bedroom, haunted by his father's laughter.

* * *

 **Hi everyone!**

 **I'm really sorry for the late update, I actually wanted to give up on this story because I felt like no one really ejoyed it, haha oops ^~^  
I've been doing kinda shitty lately, so yeah I'm sorry if this chapter is bad or anything but I'm trying my best?**

 **ANYWAY I'm planning on like one or two more chapters at most, I've noticed that as the time goes my chapters keep getting longer and longer, haha.**

 **I hope you enjoyed, please leave a review with like criticism or ideas because I'm always down for improvement and it really motivates me to keep writing!**

 **See y'all next chapter3**


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